


Why Me?

by LexisClarkadian



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Anger, Coma, Coma!Clarke, Confused!Lexa, Crying, F/F, F/M, Fights, First Meetings, Flashbacks, Lexa Lives, M/M, Map - Freeform, Mystery, Sad Lexa, Suicide, Suspense, Tapes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-28 12:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10831140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexisClarkadian/pseuds/LexisClarkadian
Summary: She was tired of the drama, her mask was off; and she was left broken.There are thirteen reasons why Clarke Griffin tried to commit suicide. What could the brunette possibly have done to her? And what will Lexa do with the tapes?Give it a try maybe? :)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ouhoh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ouhoh/gifts).



> Just checking how many of you want to read this story :)
> 
> Since this is just the prologue, the chapters of the tapes will be a lot longer!
> 
> Couldn't have done this without you @Ouhoh, thank you love

Her adoptive father had never been too keen on her. But she has never asked for something like that, anyways. The trauma that stuck to her after her parents' passing was enough to leave her awake for days without ever seeming to end. Yet there she was, alive and well the moment she accepted her award for being the most dedicated committee her schools' council had had in years. As freshmen she was left with numerous tasks as organizing dances or for example keeping track of her schools' most precious prizes they won through sports. By the time she hit the age of sixteen she was granted the position as captain of her soccer team. That earned her the right of calling herself the commander. The reason why she’s so extremely driven could be thanked for by her guardian, adoptive father, Gustus.

''Have a good day, Miss Woods.'' One of her teachers peeked his head around the post of the room she was still comfortably seated in. Unfortunately she was the last to finish her signups, excluding the fact many had rounded their projects soon before her. Thankfully, she had not been bothered by anyone else that afternoon seeing she could work on her project in peace.

''Thank you, Mr. Pike.'' A smile forced its way onto her face as she looked up from her work ever so slightly. She wondered back to the last moment her smile had meant something. To a time where the smile would have reached her eyes, comparing that to hers now. What had happened to that girl?   

''Anytime.'' He threw her one of his own pitiful smiles, before leaving the door to the council room in its former state. Charles Pike was her biology teacher, since he was one of the few who was madly advanced in how life works and how the human body responds to certain things. You were to be lucky to be scheduled in one of his good days, rather his bad. He was known for handling things quite serious if you were one of his to-be-continued.

Not getting too caught up in the moment, Lexa took this as her chance to gather her things as she threw her worn out schoolbag over her shoulders and left the now unoccupied room. Perhaps things would turn out superior in time. But Lexa knew all of that was a simple lie, strangled as a joke for her eyes to see. Nevertheless, humor was not in her favor of time. She had been greeted by her worst of thoughts, unable to escape her demons through the crack of dawn.

Lexa zipped her jacket closed as a wave of cold air send shivers down her arms. It was getting chillier outside. Fall would soon hit her hometown, she could tell. Truth be told the cold that would presume them that winter would match how she truly felt inside; frozen.

Her bike was an old piece of metal scrap scrambled together, thankfully for Gustus it was strong enough to survive the weight of her body. If it weren't for him who knew where she would be at the moment. Maybe none of the things that had happened would have happened to her then. But Lexa knew that was too good to be true, and she simply had no time for fairytales or what-ifs.

 

 

She closed the secluded space of the front door of her house and entered her home, warmth wrapping its way around her skin. It took her short enough to realize the fire had been turned on by someone in the house, and she knew that that could truly only be one person in particular.

''Gus, I’m home!'' Lexa called as she shrugged the overused schoolbag off of her shoulders and tightly held it in one of her hands, taking in the sight of their proudly organized hallway. Her jacket clung to her body almost possessively, but she could not care less about how badly she felt trapped in her flesh.

''In the kitchen!'' Came her reply in his usual deep, masculine voice.

For a millisecond Lexa thought of how familiar this felt to her. How she expected the answer out of him, without having heard it in the first place. Per usual her judgment did not cloud her nature, furthermore she knew better. To illustrate the fact she wanted to know what he was up to, her feet dragged her towards the former cry of an ocean similarly to her mind.

When green met a pair of auburn brown ones, Lexa was left leaning her back against the doorpost of their kitchen, nonchalantly. Searching for a somewhat inconvenient spot through his glance is crucial. The grin creeping up his mouth was impossible to look away from, as the corners of her own lips quirked up in reflection.

''How's that big project of yours coming along?'' Gustus asked and waved the knife in his hand in front of him trying to get a reaction out of her, successfully.

Lexa looked down towards the ground and fidgeted with the hem of her vest consciously as she answered him carefully, ''Things are proceeding as they should.'' She hoped her simple answer was enough to satisfy him, which in the end it was, seeming the raise of his eyebrows in belief.

''They went along with that tantrum of yours, not to forget I got a call from a very distressed principal that day?'' Gustus breathed out a whiff of air before he shook his head subconsciously. ''Why didn't my decade have such _adherents_ as yours does?''

''Most likely because they weren't as impressive as me.'' Lexa flicked the palm of her hand empathetically which earned a bark of laughter from Gustus. She missed days like these, where the daunt of days was forgotten and old jokes were pulled out without minding them. Gone had that area, whereas her personality had been lost.   

''You sure are full of yourself.'' He winked and turned his back to her, for the simple reason of continuing to cut the vegetables he so abandoned when she barged into the room and stole all of his attention to herself.

''Almost forgot, a package arrived for you, today.'' He added over the build of his shoulder and nodded his head towards the wooden counter next to where Lexa was adequately stood. Gustus had been right. A package wrapped in brown paper sat at the end of the furniture, arm's length away from her.

''Thanks.'' Lexa mumbled quietly and yanked the unopened object towards her, storming towards the stairwell towards her bedroom without implying another word.

 

 

She sat on the edge of her made-up bed when she deliberately unwrapped the package that had been send to her, anonymous by whom. Minatory thoughts baring her soul were apprehensive to fight off, yet not fully understanding what was going on. Lexa never got things through mail, at least nothing physical. Somehow there she was, holding the very thing that might cause her a minor nerve attack.      

The brown colored paper fell to the floor, revealing what seemed like a shoe box in her hand.

Lexa sighed agonizingly. She did not like where this was going, not to mention the tight feeling in the small of her gut. What was a shoe box supposed to tell her, she questioned. Whatever could be in there, could mean a destruction of what she had been trying to build up for herself in months. But who’s counting?

She held her breath pretentious as she lifted the lid off the box and peered inside, not knowing what the consequences might have been in that moment.

There was a map; whatever may be on there, Lexa stretched time. Also, inside the box, under the bizarre map, laid vintage cassettes.

One of her eyebrows raised in bewilderment and she slid the tips of her fingers through the box curiously, where an organized row of tapes was implanted. Who would send her cassettes? Anyone from her decade could know no one used those things anymore.

Still, she took hold of the first one closest to her, raising it to her eyesight. There were drawings scattered across its case, colors from the brightest sources to their delicate touch. Whoever had drawn them, surely had an eye for art, Lexa managed to stand her ground when their formality looked incredibly familiar. She did not want to go back and think about that, right then.

What caught her eye was the single number in the middle of the cover; 1.

What had she gotten herself into?       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not worry! If this story is wanted, I will definitely continue and update soon! 
> 
> By the way, this story will not follow the official one. The tapes and everything will all be different from the series. Maybe if you give it a shot you'll see there won't be much of a depressive ending? I wouldn't even do that to myself honestly! Haha
> 
> Thank you for reading
> 
> Tape 1: Side A, on its way ;)


	2. Prologue 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa listens to the first part of tape 1, but first goes through some stuff to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again guys!

That's about right; what had she gotten herself into?

Lexa wondered to herself as she searched their mess of a garage, rummaging through stuff she might need to listen to the first cassette she held after she opened the nameless box. She had checked it over and over again, but nowhere could she find a clue whom it was from. Where would one keep a stereo or something like that, anyways?

Thoughtfully, she went through drawers, closets where Gustus usually would leave his work instruments, but found nothing close to what she could listen to the tapes with.

''Why do I even bother?'' Lexa sighed abruptly as she snugly straightened her back, forcing her eyes back on the metal entrance of their garage. 

Almost like a sign from above, something vibrating in the back pocket of her jeans caught her off guard. She made a mental note to shut that thing off, the first chance she got to do so.  

She pushed the answer button and held the modern phone to her ear.

''Why hello there,  _little_ sister.'' The familiar voice busted through sarcastically, causing Lexa to roll her eyes in return.

''Anya, I told you before. There's no chance we're related.'' She answered with the soft flutter of her voice. She had no ideal image of what being family genuinely could look like, even if it were never possible. Anya was simply her co-worker, just a tad closer than they should be. Nonetheless how she crept into Lexa's tedious life through work hours almost a year ago was definitely a clearing statement.

''Don't ruin the fun!'' Anya snickered from the other side of the line.

''What do you want, An?'' Lexa cut to the point. She was not in the mood to play anything at the moment. No acts, no nothing. Certainly nothing close to majestic humor could overthrow how she felt about the tidy situation she was suited in. For whatever reason, she desperately wanted to listen to what was on the cassettes. It gave her a feeling of mysteriousness in its finest. A tinge of comfort laid beneath her fear of the tapes.

''Okay, okay.'' It was not hard to imagine Anya throwing her hands up in surrender. She had always been effortless like that. ''Are you absolutely sure you don't want to go to Griffin's dedicatory?''

Lexa inhaled a sharp intake of breath she had no idea she lacked.

A flood of memories came flushing through her mind instantly, expanding their way inside of the grief that was buried there. _Grounders_ ,where they had worked together for months. _School_ , where their eyes graced each other's almost every day as she walked down the aisle. Lexa could still feel the agonizing tear at her heart as if it were that one day. And now her school had arranged a second tribute for her, one that Lexa had to desperately avoid, too.

Lexa shook her head numerous times, refusing to commit the truth of what happened during the last couple of months she remembered so clearly. Absent in thought, she pushed a strand of hair out of her face, behind the tan shell of her ear.

''I don't think so.'' She covered shortly as her gaze flickered with immediate regret but withheld the blank expression on her face.

She could hear the humongous disapproval in Anya's voice as she took her last try, ''Only if you're sure.'' When was she ever supposed to be sure of anything? That was one of the least things she could know. If it were up to her, she would have ran away days ago, as narcissistic as that may have made her look. 

Lexa could only hum back.

''I'll see you at work, then.'' Was the last thing Anya whirled through the phone, before she hung up spontaneously.

Not only had she ruined the life of the one friend that was there for her, she was about to mess up that of theirs, too.

 

 

Gone was the prosperous mindset she had settled for herself alone. Time after time Lexa had to remind herself of the things she needed to forget. Things she simply had no energy to process but to blur to her mind. And yet, there she was, quivering at the simplest of memory of her painful distraction.

Lexa threw her bike against the iron fence next to the store she was supposed to go in. On her way there she cussed herself to oblivion for taking the actual time to try and find something close to a pocket object. Gustus had positioned the fact he had a Walkman years ago, but that it was destroyed, he told her. Neither one of those things did her any good.   

The ring of a bell mend her ears, when she walked into the store.

Her mind was set on only one thing; find the thing and rush back home. She wanted to avoid verbal human contact at all cost…

But of course, Lexa did not know the one and only Raven Reyes was employed there. Out of all people she had to be the one to work at Sinclair's, funnily the same surname as that of the store's CEO.

Lexa took in the sight of Raven trying to stack up a rack of M&Ms, but failed miserably as the stash of candy fell from the shelf to her side. She would have burst out laughing if it weren't for the contemptible scowl on her face and not to mention their silence towards each other.

''Fucking— fuck!'' She heard her swear from the left of her ear as she stepped by.

Lexa made no attempt in small talk whatsoever. The only thing she wanted to find was the irritating packaging of the one thing she came to buy. Gustus was quite out of the woods when she asked him for the money and what for. But he did not question her, which she presumably appreciated.

Speaking of appreciation, she found herself in the right aisle as she took in the numerous brands around her. From unknown electronic devices to a row of the Walkman's she wished for.

Her fingers wrapped around one package in peculiar and made her way back towards the register where Raven's hands were furiously fumbling with the shocking amount of M&M packs. Reyes sure knew a way of making people anxious by a simple encounter.

She typically shoved the plastic rubbish over the counter and tapped her foot to the ground, impatiently waiting for the brunette to acknowledge her. She only knew one Raven Reyes, the girl who supposedly used to be one of… She did not want to remind herself of that name. Something had happened between the two of them, something she could not quite get her hands on. Lexa wanted to believe the fact that Raven had nothing to do with what happened. But if that were true, why did she still get the nagging feeling in her gut she—

''Look who's here.'' Raven grinned as she full on interrupted Lexa's thoughts. ''The one and only Commander, in my shop.''

She swallowed the thriving chunk in her throat, mind racing different scenarios against the fact. That's right, she was the Commander. The one and only captain of her school's soccer team. How could she forget?

''To what do I owe this pleasure?'' Raven continued with the same look on her face and a weird attraction to her voice. In that moment Lexa wanted nothing more but to barge out of the store. Without taking a glance back, running away from the brunette who would think she was a madwoman.

Ignoring the luscious thoughts to her mind, Lexa lowered her gaze on the Walkman and brought the given money out of the pocket of her jeans over the counter. Many would think this was something to laugh at, her lack of speech. But she couldn't care less about what they would say about her. High school reputations were simply based and lost on lies and bowing down to superior of the popular.      

''Not much of a talker today, are you?'' Raven scanned the product all the while she wished to catch the mute girl's attention unsuccessfully. Lexa had nothing to say to her or to anyone that followed.

But it was the look plastered on Raven's face that confused her. Her eyes had widened slightly at the sight of the Walkman in her hand. The bronze of her irises declaring their utter befuddlement as she laid the packaging back down on the register. As obscure as she could, Lexa reached out to tighten her fingers around the plastic.  

Lexa could see how flabbergasted Raven struggled to get the words out of her as her lips kept trying to get the words out. She decided to help the brunette out a little bit, ignoring the fact how amusing this should be in her perspective.  

''Keep the change.'' Lexa mumbled under her breath as she quietly took this as her chance to escape from the eccentric scene. In her life she had witnessed many sides that lead to innocence. Was this honestly worth it enough compared to that of her own?

''Good luck with that Walkman.'' She could hear Raven bid her from behind, followed by a soft chuckle that Lexa thought must have flown out of her mouth unintentionally. There were two theories going around about the girl behind the cash desk and Lexa believed neither one of those.  

Hesitatingly she swallowed back the words on the tip of her tongue as she stiffened her grip on the packaging and walked closer towards the exit of the store. Lexa had the feeling she knew something she shouldn't know at all. From every occasion of below, any behavior that linked back to silence was welcome during her symbolized walk back towards the direction she was driven in.    

Lexa took hold of the bitter door handle and strove her body through, unknown to what was on the other side.

The weight from that of another barged into her chest as a huff flew out of her mouth. The pressure on the front of her body was unbearable as she tried to withdraw herself from the sudden naïve action. Was it her or were people getting more clumsy by the end of each day?   

''Amateur.'' A masculine voice hissed from above as Lexa's eyes shot up in resistance. Finn Collins' gaze met hers for a split second as he snaked his way around Lexa subconsciously, flawing any care in the world.    

Lexa felt like she was suffocating on her own saliva. Not only had she seen the girl she wished never to see again, she barged into the boy who guffawed mean comments behind her back about the Commander and endless other victims. How badly she wanted to turn around and insist an answer out of him right there. Her blood boiled at the memory of his former relationship with the sole person she truly cared about.

She could hear the faint of his voice in a distance husking a conversation with his girlfriend. Lexa felt utterly raged but stood dead in her tracks due to she couldn't compose herself to move.

There was only one place around that could ease her fury.

So that's what Lexa did; she hushed herself to her bike, hopped on and rode towards the best view of the sun that went down, all feelings set aside as she did so.

 

 

Some may tell you bad influences are bargained by the things that appear around you. That they always begin with friendly introductions such as a lot of people had a playmate in primary school. Not everyone sees it as it actually is, may seem. The average student has had at least one or two encounters with a bad influence in their pitiful lives. Not too shabby, for a bad influence herself.

Lexa pulled her knees up to her chest as she started unpacking the plastic protection around the Walkman. There was only one way out of this situation and that was to listen to whatever was on that piece of plastic.

The place where she had to go was the national park adored by their town. But the spot she was in was not national, it was secret. She had to climb all the way to the top of a hill and crawl her way through an endless sea of low-hanging branches that nearly cut her in the arm. The thing was, this place was not _too_ secret. It had an open clearing and a beautiful vision of an ocean of trees. That was one of the things Lexa loved most about that place. She could forget, her thoughts could run away to her own made up world and she'd never have to look back. Only if that's what she truly wanted for herself.   

A couple of seconds went by as she profitably held the object in her right hand. She pushed the Eject button and watched as a plastic door eased open. Who was she fooling more; herself or the person behind this piece of scrap?

She got the tape, numbered as the first of the row of cassettes she got, from the front pocket of her jeans and slid it in ever-so-carefully as if it would matter at all. It was a delicate thing to work with. One bad punch and the thing could break - such as a person's heart.

Lexa did not want to waste any more of her time than she already had, but the point was that this wasn't about her at all. It was about the person behind the tapes, who she was very intrigued to listen to, to say the least.      

So that's what she did.

With a final intake of breath her index finger pressed the nosy play button and murmurs of euphoria filled her ears before someone started talking through the speakers of the stereo.

But nonetheless this was nothing from what she had expected at all.

_Hello, boys and girls. Clarke Griffin here, live and most certainly in stereo._

No, Lexa denied.

_Welcome to the yet most thrilling ride of your lives!_

She exhaled audibly as she drew the Walkman closer to her face, as if she was trying to find the answers somewhere on the stereo. How could it be?

_You must be wondering how this is possible._

Lexa blinked nervously. Was she that obvious?

 _But this time it's_ me _who's going to tell you guys something. No interruptions, no return engagements. I hope you're ready, because I'm about to tell you the story of my life._

What were all those fluttery impulses bombarding her stomach?

_More specifically, why it ended._

That's where the flutters fled and churned into an abyss of confusion. Words could not describe what Lexa felt. What did she mean with why her life ended? The last thing she knew her school had organized another tribute that week, encored only for her, happening tonight. People gifting flowers at the post of her hung up picture. Students crying over the ideal thought of what they guess to be her soon death. She had witnessed it once before but avoided to witness it all over again.  

_For the ones listening to these tapes, you're most likely one of the reasons why._

Her breath gulped. What?

_But fear not, if you received this extravagant little box, your name will pop up somewhere, I promise. What I wistfully cannot give away is which tape you're on._

Was this some kind of sick twisted joke? Lexa wondered.

_The rules are pretty damn simple, there are only two of them in fact. Rule number one: you listen obediently. Rule number two: you pass it on._

She was actually listening to a girl's voice who had been lured into a medically induced coma for the past four weeks, after a near-death car accident. How could she have forecast something like that?  

_Hopefully, neither one of them will be easy for you._

A gasp flew out of her mouth as she hit several buttons all at once to make the tormenting voice stop. It was bad timing and a poor place to be having a panic attack. So she rested the back of her head against the tree she was propped up against and used Gustus' golden tip on how to slower her heart rate in half a minute.

She smoothened the index space of her bald up fists on the flattening of her thighs and took a deep mouthful of sweet oxygen.

Lexa couldn't quite grab what had just happened through her desperate intakes of breath.

She heard her voice, _Clarke's_ voice to be exact. And it seemed the decorated tape was recorded before her accident. But how was that even possible?  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand they've made an appearance! This took me a while but I hope you like it :)
> 
> Let me know what you think?


	3. Tape 1, Side A (pt. 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The list goes on and on...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember: it's true that the beginning of Tape 1 is slightly the same as in the series! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

_It was an hour and a half before her shift was to come to an end. Normally Lexa would prove her boss she had done and finished all of her tasks and would be left of early as aftermath. Another spectacle stuck in her mind as she could not wait to take the bus back home where Gustus would be waiting for her with their weekly glass of a non-alcohol drink. The screws and rods of steel of her bike had given up on each other a week earlier, seeing that's why she had to take the bus instead. But moreover the thought of riding an ambitious box of steel with several other companions did not tear her down._

_''Woods!'' Anya's usual cry of abomination filled the space behind the bar where Lexa was finishing up her task of cleaning the shot glasses. She may have just turned seventeen years old at that point, but that did not withhold her from working at a bar full of drunk people and mischievous parties. Overall Grounders was the most visited and popular public bar around the block._

_Lexa lowered the shot glass she was holding and neatly set it next to the row of other transparent glasses. From the corner of her eye she could see Anya marching up towards her, weirdly with a certain blonde galumphing by her side._

_''Lexa, meet Clarke Griffin, your new fellow employee.'' Anya bestowed one of her arms around the shoulders of the poor girl who she had no chance to skim yet. ''Clarke Griffin, this is Lexa Woods and she will be tutoring you this week.''_

_The moment Lexa's gaze fell from the impeccable smirk on Anya's face and switched over to that of the blonde's, her mouth fell agape slightly. She was absolutely marvelous. With the shining halo of her golden hair and the depth in her sea blue eyes, the nervous smile on the girl's face was incredibly overwhelming._

_Lexa's hand shot up to scratch the back of her itching neck at the surreal angel that had just been displayed in front of her. For a moment Lexa wanted to thank Anya, as silly as that may have made her look. But the way the rosy color of the adorable expression plastered on her face captivated Lexa, took her breath away. She was downright sure from that moment there wouldn’t be anything else that could compare to the blonde in that scenario. She felt fourteen all over again._

_''—Could start with showing her the mixtures, since Clarke here is still new to our domain.'' Anya continued rambling while commonly pulling Lexa from the wave of her thoughts. ''Clear?'' She suppressed following the slight raise of her voice._

_''Yes, An. Thank you.'' Lexa mumbled turning her back to the both of them, picking up the damp piece of cloth she used to clean the shot glasses not a while ago. This was going to be quite a while she was convinced from the way Anya spoke in stability. Usually employees came and went by the time of a week or two, she hoped the blonde entitled Clarke would truly take longer than that. It was just a matter of time that would show her if there was genuinely a God out there that cared about her._

_So when Lexa turned back around and acknowledged that Anya had fled, she offered the piece of clothing to Clarke self-consciously, who willingly accepted it with a mind-blowing million dollar smile blown over her face._

 

* * *

 

_—When you're done listening to all thirteen sides, because there are thirteen sides to every story, rewind the tapes, put them back in the box, and pass them on to whoever follows your little tale._

It almost felt like Lexa was the lead character of a suspense series. At least, that's how Clarke’s voice made her feel.

After she raced back home on her bike because her feelings became the best of her, Lexa resumed listening to the tape. Her voice did something to her after wondering what was to come to her for over a month. Now she was comfortably, or rather feeling pretty distressed, seated on the chair at her desk in her room. It was not like she had any other choice but to listen to the tape. She did what Clarke told her to, as always, and listened to the rest of what was left unspoken to the world around her.

_And you, lucky number thirteen, you can take these tapes straight to hell._

A quivering chuckle escaped Lexa's pardoned lips. The usual crack in Clarke's sarcastic voice she remembered so clearly caused her heart to delicately skip a beat faster.  

_In case any of you is tempted to break the rules, understand that I did make a copy of these tapes._

Of course she did. Lexa expected nothing less of her either way.

_The copies will be released in a very public manner if this package doesn't make it through all of you. This was not a tempted-last-moment decision._

She allowed herself to breathe steadily. So it seemed Clarke had planned this for a while. But how were that possible when she was so protectively watched by cameras and monitors in her hospital room? Surely if any nurse took sight of her waking up, they'd bare their actions to hold her there a little while longer. And if she did wake out of her continuous sleep, why had no at school heard about it?   

_Do not take me for granted, not again._

Lexa's eyes fled down onto the crucial Walkman. A strangled sigh fell from her lips before any other devious sound could make its way out of her mouth unwillingly. She could hear the change of devoid in her voice. It essentially resonated and echoed something linked to hopelessness.     

_You are being watched._

She felt slightly nauseous as vomit started to bile up her throat. Leave it to the reckless blonde to plan these kind of things.

There was no particular reason why Lexa hated change. How could she not, listening to this mystery yet to unfold itself inside of her brain? Clarke declared that she was one of the reasons why her life ended, but that could not be since she was safe and sound in her hospital bed, at least that’s what she knew of. There was no chance the blonde could have tried to commit suicide. After it happened, the whole town knew of her tragic accident. Especially the article about how she got hit by a Chevrolet owned by a snarky rich bachelor who charged her parents in attempt of damaging his expensive car. Yet _he_ was the one charged for drunk driving and running over a pedestrian in the middle of the night. But was that really the whole truth?         

 _So without further ado, welcome to your_ sensational _tape, Mr. Collins._

Finn Collins. Lexa's attention was sought back towards the Walkman secluded on her desk as she listened closely while her mind brought her back towards that afternoon, when they had accidently bumped into each other at Sinclair's.

_Quarterback of Arkadia High's football team; prize winner of a lovely, loyal girlfriend; a spoiled son raised by his father. Not much of an interesting story, is there?_

_That's not true. It's what you_ did _that presented you your astonishing attention, didn't it, Finn? You and your little group of friends wanted everyone to remember the new kid from the block with mere motion._

Lexa could hear the cacophony of someone moving around the house. She had no idea why she was doing this in the first place. She had no idea what gave her the right to peek a little insight in the life of a dead girl. If it weren’t for her child incurred trauma, she would have all the hope for the blonde to wake up. But the more she gave into that hope, the more she started to feel anxious.  

_You did quite the number on that one, I''ll tell you. Too bad I can't, thanks to all of you. But hey, I have to start somewhere. That's why this enchanting little tale starts with you. You were the one to invite me to that stupid bar, anyways._

She covered her forehead with the palms of her hands and inhaled deeply while she rested her elbows on the bridge of her desk. The name of the blonde laid on the edge of her tongue during her fit of anguish. The brunette did not like where this story was going. She had heard the rumors, of course. But she always chose best to ignore them. Perhaps that was the reason why she was supposedly on the cassettes.

_But it all began with that one first day of school. I remember feeling so agitated by the thought of having to make new friends and start my life all over. I was so nervous that I made a shit ton of backup plans if things wouldn't work out for me._

_But there you were, my knight in shining armor. After my immensely stressed fit trying to open my idiotic locker door, you covertly peered your head of luscious hair over the top of my locker. You smirked at me in that moment and asked me if I needed any help. I declined your kind offer, remember? Yet I thanked you anyway._

There were different rumors going around school, Lexa remembered hazily.

_I bet you had no clue I could visually see your group of friends standing close to us, just the right amount away for thinking I wouldn't notice. But apparently I did, it was hard not to catch the unforgettable expressions plastered on their faces._

_When you innocently asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink with you and your friends that night, who you mischievously turned away from, it was an offer difficult to turn down. Because the whole school knows how big of a party girl Clarke Griffin is, right?_

There was a slight pause and she almost thought the tape had finished right there, before the blonde spoke up again and a shiver went down her spine.

_I'll fast forward to that same night, what happened in between was not much of an importance. Or was it? Aren’t you quite curious how the fidgeting tips of my fingers clasped a lacy pink bra around my body or how I threw the shirt from that night over my head ever so innocently to the cleavage it actually showed?_

_Come on, I won't blame you._

Lexa regretted finding the embellished scene dancing in front of her distraught eyes, closing them shut tight as she clung her hands from her forehead to the burning of her temples. She had no right to think of stuff like that. Especially not about _her_. She denied to think of the fact she was just like everyone else in the end.

_Sorry, that was unnecessary of me._

_Let me tell you what happened when I arrived at the club where everything somewhat happened. You, Finn, had patiently been waiting outside for me to arrive. And when I dropped myself off, you were ever the gentleman to ask me for my jacket. That incredible smile that was covering your face then was absolutely breathtaking._

_I hope it's not easy for you to hear all of this again, Collins. Seeming you had no problem to take that unprivileged video of me the moment I was astonishingly drunk and was drawing attention to myself across the dance floor._

_No, let me start a few hours before that treachery happened._

_You kindly offered me a drink, seeming the rest of your friends weren't there yet. You told me they were still off messing with our school’s freshmen's at that time of the night. And as pure as I was, I believed you. Because why in heaven's name, would a popular jock lie to an innocent new student?_

Lexa immediately gritted her teeth in acrimony. How bad she wanted to deny everything Clarke was talking about. Unconvincingly she tried to assure herself jealousy was not erupting through her body whilst listening to the blonde talk about a boy so arrogant he cost a girl her life. She felt even more sick to her stomach thinking about the fact how the tale that was being told took place at a point she knew so well.

That was where Clarke interrupted her imaginaries.

_If I am right, you, lucky listener, received a blue map inside the box you got the tapes from._

_Grab it, you'll be needing that throughout my tapes._

Obediently Lexa rummaged her fingers through the shoebox that laid on her desk next to the new Walkman she bought that day. They fumbled their grip around the blue texture as she folded it out on the lumber structure of her workspace.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she glanced at what looked like a team of red drawn stars scattered across the pre-signed design. It took Lexa a miniature of seconds to realize it was a map of their town. And the red stars were all drawn onto places where a story hid beneath.

 _If you take the tip of your finger to platform_ B _and lower it down to number_ 6 _, that will be our first landmark. That's right, just like a board game._

She did exactly what she was told and her finger found the precise coordinates that lead straight towards the place she worked at in her spare time. Considering whatever thoughts were running through her mind, Lexa felt numb. It was like she was there, yet not fully _there_.   

_Now, I cannot force you to go to these magnificent places, but I would most certainly respect it if you do not take advantage of this treasuring map. Because imagine the desperation of the ones to follow your tale if they can't find whatever blue map I was just talking about in their box._

_Like I said earlier on, do not take me for granted again._

''I never did.'' Her voice wavered anxiously. Along similar lines, she argued with herself subconsciously. But the developing of negative certainties in her mind was all she heard. Of course Clarke was unable to hear her beg for an explanation of some sort.    

_Now back to you, Finn._

_Our first landmark can be found at Grounders, the place I work at. Or_ worked _at, to correct myself._

''Oh, Clarke.'' The lump in her throat was tiringly growing as seconds flew by. Seeing time was just another prospect of life, you could blank the expression on another’s remorse. Lexa knew what she had to do, either way she had a feeling no one else would.

She pressed the pause button on the Walkman incompatibly and rose from the uncomfortable position on her armchair. Years ago she would have wrestled a person into a canvas filled with bruises for trying to keep something from her without her knowledge. She could simply blame it on the next person, no difference to the next person on those tapes she did so well to try and listen to. When her skin grew tired of trying, she had no other choice but to fall back down into her fragile pit of nothingness. A pit where all life was extinct and sensitivities were thrown aside. You could convince yourself you were doing the right thing all along. But Lexa knew, just as any other person, she could not back away in that momentum again. For the sake of the blonde that was wrapped around her thoughts.

 

 

''Hold up, where are you going?'' Gustus questioned aloud as Lexa barged down the stairs while in the midst of throwing her ripped up jacket around her shoulders. She got it from him one freezing Christmas morning seeming they never celebrated the holiday in the first place. He told her it would enwrap its best to protect her from the cold and self-confident snobs. The day had come to an end with them curled up on the couch, watching their endless marathon of Christmas movies.    

''I need to go to work real quick.'' She assured him without trying to give away the thrill in her voice. Gustus knew her as one his own, she expected as much. She wanted him not to worry about her all the time. Implausibly she could take care of her own human being.  

''Is something bothering you?'' His eyebrows furrowed in awareness of the hurry on Lexa's face. It took a whole lot of energy not to give into his apprehension. It felt like a punch to her face having to lie to her own family now. Whatever those tapes and the memory of one of her former closest friends did to her life, it had to stop.

''What's _not_ bothering me, Gus.'' Lexa tried to cover up her wounds sarcastically. Gustus sighed all the while not believing her caught up act insufficiently.

''Dinner's in thirty minutes.'' He nudged his sight towards the dinner table nonchalantly thus she regretfully forced her feet to move towards him standing in the post of the door leading towards their kitchenette. Given that Lexa knew she would not make it to dinner that night.    

''Thank you.'' Lexa breathed as she blew a soft peck onto his cheek gracefully.

The delightful smirk she had been missing that afternoon, whipped its way back onto his face charmingly and a low-huffed sound escaped her puffy apricot lips. If heaven were a place on Earth, she had most certainly found it right there. Regardless of the empty flood in her stomach wanting nothing more but the butterflies to come back and blister their way through her flesh again.

 

 

* * *

 

_The view that Lexa had was not that impressive._

_Her locker was placed at the very end of the row of lockers. She knew she should have been overjoyed about the fact no student would intend to follow her into the depths of their school, but something else bombarded her. Soon, she would be late to her very first class that day by Mr. Wallace, a very unkind soul to her liking. Due to the fact he was a teacher in economics, did not make her or any other of her fellow classmates grow fond of him nonetheless. At first Lexa thought she would be fit into his father's class, which she in the end would have appreciated a lot more than his son who greedily gave anyone detention that would bark through his lessons._

_She threw her backpack over her shoulder as she locked the pick that held anyone from scouring through her stuff. If she hadn't slept in that morning, she would have had a couple of minutes more to ready herself. The hallway along her row of lockers was incredibly empty and she knew the first bell had already rung. Subsequently if she didn't hurry up real soon, she would be in a lot more trouble than she had predicted to be in._

_But before she knew it, the shrill noise of her school’s second bell rang._

_''Shit.'' Lexa cursed aloud as she bridged her nose between the space of her thumb and index finger. That was a way to go with her first class of her most fearful teacher that year. If he wanted to achieve her monstrous fury, he could most certainly get it by giving her detention during her first lesson that day._

_Her mind was caught somewhere else as her feet dragged her along rooms where lessons had already begun a minute ago._

_When she found herself in front of her supposedly destination, she trembled the over the thought of barging in midst his lesson. The memory of his raised voice from not more than a year ago drew her mind away._

_''So, I’m not the only one late to first period apparently.''_

_Turning at lightning speed, Lexa stumbled around, trying to find the source of the soft declaration. As green met a pair of sea blue ones, she could not help but let a grin pester her mouth._

_''If it isn't my trainee.'' Lexa smiled to sum up the confusion of seeing her there as she tried not to give into her attempt to catch Clarke's nervous glance. An adorable rosy blush crept up upon the apples of the blonde's cheeks from where she was stood. It was as if the brunette was one the lucky ones to score a pair of first row tickets to a soccer game. Physics gathered by one, Lexa gave no budge to the warm flood controlling her tempered stomach._

_''Mrs. Sydney held me up.'' Clarke explained after a few initials of silence between them. Despite the fact they both held themselves back from entering Mr. Wallace's classroom, Lexa took hold of the door handle while she threw the other girl a nervous glance._

_''Got any other ideas?'' She asked hopelessly as she rose one of her eyebrows in question. Normally she didn't like to be thrown into her state of desperation to others, but seeing she felt utterly giddy around Clarke she gave herself no excuse to hide it._

_''The honor is all yours.'' Clarke smiled guiltily and she gestured the small of her hand towards the door that lead towards the classroom where Lexa's_ favorite _teacher was allegedly waiting for them to come inside._

 _Not to mention the lecture their teacher gave them as they strode inside, shoulder to shoulder, and students turned their heads only to look away from the Commander trying to look past her mischievous mask. Mr. Wallace was fuming his anger rather dismissively when he told them to settle the_ hell _down so he could continue his tedious lesson._

_Although they were separated along the way, Lexa could not control herself to look back at the girl who confusingly sat close to her own desk. Her long eyelashes bothered by a thin coat of mascara; the punctured depth in her blue eyes; the calm expression on her features. One by one they all seemed to make sense to the brunette. Like a bunch of pieces that were meant to strung together like a puzzle was obliged to._

_All of her attention had been disrupted from her first period's lesson, but she could not care less following the blonde caught her gaze rather joyously._

_And_ damn _… The uplift of those beautiful lips was all Lexa could think about the following hours that school day._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sucked to her own world of annihilation and devastation, Lexa balanced her bike on its bicycle stand thus she inhaled a fresh intake of breath.

It took her about fifteen minutes from her house to ride towards the place she continuously worked at. Unlike her empathy she shared towards the voice she so desired to listen to, one thing certainly was different from afar.

She could hear the usual sound of music blast throughout the building. These particular nights were an expense for their business they earned. However that was not the case Lexa relinquished her eyes on. It were the figures ravaging just outside the property of the building that entangled her attention. Certain comrades of the one person she had no intention to see right now.        

What she did instead was flicker her hand inside the shack of her vest's pocket and reached out for a pair of sheer white earphones. She plugged the specific piece of technology inside the Walkman and shifted her weight onto her other leg imperturbably. Be that as it may, her gaze shot back upon the busy of her company's property. In view of the unacknowledged teenage boys, her perception became the best of her.

She clawed the buds of her earphones in her ears while taking one last glance behind her to check if no one was there, she hit the resume button and the voice of the girl she was star-struck with re-entered her immediate command. There was a significant amount of time that asked her given prospect, yet everything on this planet has an expiration date. Regardless of that very manufacture, Lexa crept away from Earth and soon began shifting between two worlds opposite of one another; like nature and their shaft's universe of stars.  

 

— _So the following thing happened that night…_   

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I had to part Tape 1, Side A into two parts... But the more the merrier, right? ;) 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
